Enough Is Enough!

Would someone please enlighten me as to why one would be so self sabotaging? Is it fear of the unknown? Insecurity? Stupidity? Or just general idiotic behavior ? This is what I find myself contemplating today and a more than a handful of times in my recent past.

An Excerpt from Psychology Today:

What is Self-Sabotage?
Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting. These acts may seem helpful in the moment, but ultimately undermine us, especially when we engage in them repeatedly.

People aren’t always aware of their own self-sabotage, as the effects of their behavior may not show up for some time. Unfortunately, connecting a behavior to self-defeating consequences is no guarantee that a person will have the power to disengage from the behavior. Still, it is possible to overcome almost any form of self-sabotage, and people do it every day. There are behavioral therapies aimed at interrupting ingrained patters of thought-action and strengthening deliberation and self-regulation processes. Motivational therapies reconnect people with their goals and values. There are even computer programs that help eliminate the constant temptation of online distractions.

When does it stop? Does it ever stop?
I obviously need ongoing therapy. Tiny touches with my therapist won’t cut it.

To those who actually take the time to read my blog, I thank you from the bottom of my black little heart. Seriously. I checked, and today it’s the deepest, darkest shade of black with perhaps a tinge of blue around the edges and curves and within the intertwined veins that encompass said heart. The black is for very obvious reasons. The blue…simply for sadness at the distress I’ve caused others, most importantly, my significant other.

Have you ever considered any facet of your behavior to be similar? I’m not necessarily referring to self sabotage categorically in reference to sex or relationships, but life as a whole. I would be interested in your feedback. Honestly.

I am beginning to think it’s due to unfinished business in my personal life. This has nothing directly, I repeat DIRECTLY, to do with my relationship with Smart, however it most certainly impacts him and our relationship. In addition to that, I feel a overwhelming sense of something missing. In the past I admit to creating subterfuge in my life to distract from the gaping holes in my own happiness. I’ve used animals as band aids before. Hold on! Before you get your ASPCA hackles up, let me explain. Cats and dogs are fuzzy. They are warm. They have their greeting ritual they perform as you come home that sets the tone for the rest of the evening. It’s such a wonderful, repetitive reunion when our smelly, scruffy pup does his happy dance then rears up like Silver (lone ranger reference) oh gosh… It’s just so adorable. I digress. I will reiterate the fact I’ve used pets as emotional tourniquets, if you will. I feel endorphins from the daily exchanges.

I’ve also used hobbies such as singing in a band and more recently, BLOGGING, to fill some of those gaping holes. I recently initiated a career change. The jury is still out on whether or not it’s a fit. Am I sabotaging myself in my professional life simply by having a less that super positive, over the top attitude each day? Probably.

Then there’s my relationship. THE most important relationship, the one I hold so precious and dear…I continually sabotage as well.  Because of one stupid, careless, thoughtless, insensitive, poorly chosen and extremely ill timed word that was lobbed out of sheer frustration, I damaged someone I love very much.  Why is it that my brain cannot prempt this behavior. Doesn’t it realize that, “Hey! Dumbass!!! That comment will be perceived as horrific and most likely unforgivable!” STOP RIGHT THERE!

Seriously, I’m considering stapling my stupid mouth shut. This is not the first time but I will do everything humanly possible to make sure it’s the last.  Smart and I have actually discussed our “argument safe word”. When things escalate or we’re on the verge of saying something that will be spiteful, one of us is supposed to blurt this word out as an alarm of sorts.  We never, ever, ever remember the safe word. I wish we could. I wish I had just taken a deep breath and silently stewed.

Getting back to the gaping holes in my happiness…….

After spending much of the day taking a rather personal and not so pretty inventory, I am left with the following conclusions.

1.)  Most days, I do not feel worthy of anyone’s love, affection or adoration.

2.) Most days, I feel I have not lived up to my fullest potential…categorically.

3.) Most days, I aspire to do more with my life.

4.) Everyday, I desperately want my significant other to be proud of me not only because of the way I look but what I am accomplishing in life outside and apart from our relationship.

In order to affect the sort of changes and improvements to my life that I know are required for me to be complete and whole as a person, I must commit.

I am not looking forward to therapy in the least, but I know I need it.

This fall I would like to go back to school. No, not for the unmarketable Theater & Classical Voice degree…uh, yeah…let the past remain in the past.  I am considering psychology.  Too Obvious? I hope everyone has a wonderful Thursday evening.

I bid you Adieu.