The Scent of Scent

Have you ever caught a trace of a scent that reminds you of the past. Cookies, bread, detergent… The first breath of spring? We all have. It transports us places.   It’s incredible.  Indelible. Imprinted on our subconscious.

Experiment conducted.  Results received. Lotion and various female accoutrements hidden in a drawer. I applied them all. Lotion, deodorant, perfume. I even used her toothpaste. Everything left as it were, tidy. Everything placed …almost exactly as she left it. perhaps not exactly  and on purpose    How dare …she?

Wrongful blame being assigned.  To the woman.  There’s no fault there. It lies with him.  Always and forever him. Who has laid beneath the sheets upon which I’m supposed to rest? Someone else.  How many?

Its always…. Someone else

 

 

 

m

 

Infatuation Isn’t Love (Republished)

Love is, well, loving. And it’s lasting. Yeah, that’s kind of important. Here’s what infatuation in an early dating relationship can look like: “You make my life better.” “You actually want someone like me.” “Are you sure I’m your guy?” (They’re seeking their self-worth and need of love from you. They need to find that in […]

http://followingyourfeet.org/2015/11/28/infatuation-isnt-love-republished/

more reminders

Excellent…

Mistreatment doesn’t have to be defined in relation to whether that’s the only way you’re treated in the relationship.  Mistreatment doesn’t have to be qualified with “but they’ve also done really nice things.” You are not lying or misrepresenting what happened just by telling what happened. A person’s kindness is not a canned good that […]

https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2015/11/30/more-reminders/

Generosity and Selflessness

There have been times in probably most everyone’s lives that they have survived because of the generosity and selflessness of others.Ulterior motives do not exist. There’s no secret plan for the future for payback, so to speak. These individuals do things out of the kindness of their hearts.
Just because. 
You may assume that I am referring to financial support, but that’s not the case. When someone is so incredibly generous with their time, support and companionship, it’s simply priceless. 

I am incredibly fortunate to have people like this in my life. I have no idea when or how I could possibly repay them. When the time comes, please know that I will be there for you, no matter what. 

I love you all.  

Insert Clever Title Here….

I know what you are thinking because I am as well. That didn’t last long. 

Turning over another leaf, turn the other cheek and move on. Finally…..moving on. 

The holiday did not go as planned. By mid day, I’m packing a bag and have decided to leave. The tears that I shed weren’t because I could not bear to leave him or because of my undying love. No, they were borne out of anger and frustration with myself. I let myself believe he would change, evolve. He did not.  I’ve come to the conclusion he is incapable of the change we discussed. Old habits die hard and old DOGS might try to learn new tricks but rarely do friends. Please take heed. 

I’m beginning a new chapter. One I’ve been destined to start for quite some time now. For the time being, I’m staying with a  friend in the city. Kind enough to offer me a place to land that cold, miserable and rainy Thanksgiving, not only for me but my newly adopted dog as well.  This little guy has been a life saver, a guardian and a joy. I couldn’t be more thankful to have him in my life. It seems as if I do have a tremendous amount to appreciate and be thankful for after all. 

January 2nd is when I move into my new digs. I’m excited. It’s been quite some time since I’ve lived by myself. Another leaf. A glossy, green, beautiful leaf awaits me. 

 

Night Moves

Be it Bob Seger or Roosevelt… The lyrics to these songs are arousing,intoxicating and alluring and they, in all their beauty truly describe the sexual experience in albeit two different but complete ways depending on one’s perspective.

We’ve spent some time apart, hence the absence of any entries. That time was essential to the continuance of our relationship. The experience was poignantly rough, harsh, angry and most of all very sad. It’s strange and true, that saying, “it’s a fine line between love and hate”. Inexplicable how emotions erupt whether they be storybook or utter horror show. The initial reality of separation is harsh and liberating simotaneously. Even though one might feel “wiser” and know how navigate the pitfalls that lie ahead…. We all still stumble. Memories and experiences. They all become the fabric of the “We”, yet to be. 

The “foundation” of the original incarnation of the relationship has given way to something more substantial or rather concrete. Hindsight is always 20/20. The path we traversed before was naughty and exciting in the beginning. Be warned. It’s not without it’s perils.  I’ve not revisited this blog in months for a reason. I was afraid I would be embarrassed by what I had written. Yes. I was. Certain entries I am proud of, others just plain vapid. What was I thinking? Hindsight. Reflection is a eye opener. I see my immaturity, insecurity and pompousness.  I apologize. However, it takes two to tango. I’m not taking the entire blame for the problems of the past, however I did contribute equally.  

Skipping the drama, we’ve come to the realization that we are in fact, meant to be. Friends, lovers and confidants in a monogamous, long term relationship who wish to continue this journey together for life.  We’ve grown together throughout our experiences. Closer than I ever would have imagined. There are still struggles that we face. None that are insurmountable. We both strive to fill the “gaps” in our now, non existent social life, with the positive. Family, art, conversation & culture. The fact does not escape me that we may be trading one passion for the other. Riddle me this… How else does a couple rebuild their lives? Start with the positive and start with being honest. 

Through all of this, our friends, vanilla and swinger alike have been outstanding.  We love every single one of you! *S, especially so. I don’t know how I am fortunate enough to have you as a friend but so very grateful that I do. Love you! 

I don’t intend to delete this blog. Some of it is kinda hot and tumblr loves it! ;). I will however, begin something new. Just not sure of the concept yet. 

Best to all of you, 

Judy

I Yam What I Yam…..ENFP

images

The results from my personality profiling test. I’m a ENFP, can’t say I am in anyway surprised. Yep, It’s official…my boyfriend has his hands full!

http://www.preludecharacteranalysis.com/

The ENFP is the heady individual, creative, quick, impulsive and loving lots of possibilities.

Friendly with endless energy the ENFP will be at the heart of where the people are, future oriented looking far beyond the obvious often seeing things that others fail to. They are driven by the new and have an insatiable curiosity making them mercurial, fresh and enthusiastic. However, having so many interests can mean that, at times, the ENFP may have trouble keeping still, prioritising and focusing on the task at hand, especially if something more interesting is looming. The routine and detail bore the ENFP who wants life, work and social to merge into one stimulating environment with endless possibilities shared with people.

Extraversion

Extraversion is characterized by interest in the external object, responsiveness, and a ready acceptance of external happenings, a desire to influence and be influenced by events, a need to join in…the capacity to endure bustle and noise of every kind, and actually find them enjoyable, constant attention to the surrounding world, the cultivation of friends and acquaintances… The psychic life of this type of person is enacted, as it were, outside himself, in the environment.

CJ Jung, Psychological Types, CW 6, pars. 1-7

Intuition

Intuitives [do not] concern with the reality of things, but surrender themselves wholly to the lure of possibilities and abandon every situation in which no further possibilities can be scented.

So whilst the Sensing types take in and process information factually and in sequential detail, if you are an Intuitive type your preference will be to explore possibilities, the new, the untried, the untested and the novel. You will tend to build ‘top down,’ ie you will focus on the overall shape and patterns which are emerging and finally fit the facts around these. Your memory will tend to be more impressionistic, ie you will recall the impressions of people, situations and issues rather than the specifics. You will tend to be drawn towards the generalities and then move to the more specific later and your understanding of situations tends to be via a holistic insight rather than concrete experience. You like to understand the underpinning principles and general sense before becoming immersed in the facts and detail.

Feeling

[Feeling types] are guided in everything entirely by feeling. They merely ask themselves whether a thing is pleasant or unpleasant, and orient themselves by their feeling impressions…The material presented by a feeling type will be of a different kind, that is, feelings and emotional content of all sorts, thoughts, reflections and perceptions dependent on emotional premises.

Perception

Perceiving types are flexible and spontaneous. If you are a Perceiver you will tend to work in short bursts of energy rather than at a steady pace. When studying you will probably wait until near the deadline to get things done, as the idea of a strict plan that has to be adhered to does not let you be at your best. You tend to be driven by interest and you much prefer to keep your options open. We were considering if there could be just one question that could identify a Judger from a Feeler and we all agreed this one at the very east encapsulates the difference:

The ENFP is the heady individual, creative, quick, impulsive who will get up in the morning thinking of how many possibilities the day may bring. They are excellent at devising new ways of doing things, and bring a totally unique and fresh perspective to people, projects and situations. People-centred, caring and spontaneous, the ENFP will be excellent at getting things started and they’ll do so with energy, enthusiasm and zeal.

The ENFP may not be so good at follow-through as they are interested in exciting possibilities and may move on to ‘the next big thing’ before the ‘previous big thing’ is completed. They can find overwhelming and utterly compelling reasons to convince others of their point of view and will be animated, expressive and full of life.

However, having so many interests can mean that, at times, the ENFP may have trouble keeping still, prioritising and focusing on the task at hand – especially if something more interesting is looming. The routine, the detail and the mechanical, bore the ENFP who wants life, work and social to merge into one stimulating environment with endless possibilities and lots of people to share them with.

The ENFP is impatient, wanting things to happen now, not comprehending deferred gratification, and usually have the determination to make it so. They will discover, nurture and support talent in others, seeing the good in people and genuinely wanting to see others succeed. And the ENFP will know exactly which buttons to push to motivate each individual.

The ENFP cannot help but see possibilities. Future oriented they will look far beyond the obvious often seeing things that others fail to. They are driven by the new, the complex, the novel and have an insatiable curiosity making them mercurial, fresh and enthusiastic. Friendly with endless energy the ENFP will be at the heart of where the people are, loving fun and a good drama. Unconstrained by rules, regulations or strictures the ENFP will be expedient in their search for what pushes their buttons and every day is a big adventure.

This next sentence cracks me up….at home, I am called The Rule Breaker!  

Giving an ENFP targets, or rules will only make them think up original, inventive ways of breaking them and they will do this with such charm and jois de vivre that others will be very forgiving. The ENFP will see themselves as unique and will revel in this uniqueness finding creative and innovative ways of solving problems and overcoming obstacles. Being part of a group brainstorming possibilities is ENFP territory but they won’t be the one who takes away the notes to type up as they’ll be off looking for the next thrill.

Follow-through tends to be a problem, however as the ENFP will tend to get bored very quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they’ve been assigned.

The ENFP has great energy and enthusiasm but they tend to like the bits they like, which can mean that those issues they don’t like may not get the attention or follow-through they require. It also means that the ENFP will be constantly on the look-out for ‘the next big thing,’ and may be tempted from the agreed route by something just a little more fascinating and fresh.

Silver Linings

I’m a seeker. A optimist, by nature. I tend to analyze a situation and find the positive. I know, it’s annoying to some. I’ve wallowed in the mire of self pity many a time but there’s something intrinsic to my nature that ALWAYS leads me to look for the positive, the silver lining. I had to employ all of my might to do this the past couple of days. They weren’t necessarily bad days, just challenging.
I am in sales. A different breed for sure. I’m not cut throat, nor do I participate in unethical activities to ensure I meet my quota. I just don’t. Agnostic in nature, I believe in karma. That all knowing entity of sorts that will kick your ass AND reward you for your behavior. So, herein lies the question. Why the fuck am I getting my ass kicked? If only this karmic being would tell me. I work hard. I do my job as I’m told. Yet still. My ass gets kicked. I feel like crying “Not Fair!” But that would be weak, childlike. No, no. I won’t be “that” person. I’ll power through this with my head held high and muster that positive, upbeat attitude I am known for and look forward. Forward to all of my successes to come. I pride myself on my positive outlook, but lately it been difficult to muster. Maybe I’ll try meditation or marijuana… I’ve heard it makes one happy or at the very least, relaxed. Decisions,decisions……

I’m at a loss….

I have been digging really deep and I can’t think of a damn thing to write about. I’m coming up empty. It’s been four and a half days and nada. WTF? I’ve not ever lacked an idea or concept to expound on. I know. Writer’s Block.
BAH!

Frustrating…..*Sigh.

I’ve been keeping my distance from Tumblr. Way to distracting. I usually end up masturbating or too preoccupied to function….I miss you Tumblr!

Twitter can be equally distracting. There are so many quirky and truly hilarious people out there. Due to the content entries being short, it’s easier to disengage but still entertaining. Twitter is my e-cig in the bathroom break entertainment. I have almost 400 followers in 3 weeks. Not bad for someone who retweets other’s content and has almost none of their own posted.

Word Press. I don’t like the app. I can’t see other blogs readily or have to jump through a billion hoops to do so. I call a do over! Get with it Word Press.

My lunch respite is coming to a close. I must go and actually be a productive member of my team.

I’d rather be blogging!

Dear John…

This is an open letter to T-Mobile

I’ll be frank, YOU SUCK! Throttle me?? Your “monthly” was last week. I should be off super double data probation. BUT IM NOT!

What happened? We used to be so good together. Those cold, wintry nights you and I spent countless hours in bed. You, oh you… Making me laugh and feel like a woman (don’t tell anyone about the porn) and then there’s me! Handling your device only the way I could. I know I kept you totally charged up!! I’m not sure if it was the way I handled you carelessly or if your just a fickle data bait and switch kinda thang.

Regardless, it’s time we say our goodbyes. That we ramble on. I never wanted to tell you this, but I think I owe it to you. I once dated your cousin…AT&T. Yes, yes… I know what I said. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you how fabulous, just how awesome PREPAID WIRELESS IS!! I know it hurts. That’s okay, cry it out… To be honest, I like his 4G better. It’s robust. Never failed me (even in moments of multi porn window watching) just sayin’

You gotta get your shit together T-Mobile. Sorry, but its true. Have a nice life. I hope you find the only person on this planet who doesn’t use data.

-Sincerely,
Your Ex Contractual Obligant

The Rivieria

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Next door…. Papa Roach

Five, count ’em… 1 ah haha 2 ah haha 3 ah haha 4ah haha 5 ah haha … Tour busses. Is that really necessary?

Simply, It fucks up our parking. Robert Plant didn’t even do that.

Starry Night

“Looking at the stars always makes me dream, Why, I ask myself, shouldn’t the shining dots of the sky be as accessible as the black dots on the map of France? Just as we take the train to get to Tarascon or Rouen, we take death to reach a star.” -Van Gogh

We made our way through the mountain range, rather foothills on the east side of Chattanooga,TN around midnight. Reclined fully, I happened to glance at the sky. It was breathtaking. I’ve always loved the night sky and it’s incredible bounty of stars, planets and constellations. Even as a kid growing up in Oklahoma, I could pick out several configurations such as Orion, Taurus, Big & Little Dipper as well as Scorpio. However, Cassiopeia has always alluded me. I don’t recall who captured my interest or where I learned to do this. But as long as I can remember, the starry skies have fascinated me. Last night was no different. The panoramic view brought me a sense of comfort and overwhelming sadness. My mother and I used to plop my pup tent in the front yard to watch meteor showers. I cried when I witnessed my first. I wasn’t scared. Just in awe. It gave me goosebumps. The show lasted for a couple of hours. Way past my bedtime. I was six and it was a school night. She was cool like that.

I remember when Sky Lab cascaded ribbons of shooting star like remnants across the sky as it took its final bow and partially disintegrated before my very eyes. What little that actually made it through the earth’s atmosphere, eventually came to rest in Western Australia. Even with all of the ambient light, it was spectacular. It was the summer of 1979. My Grandparent’s home, 6901 Strata Street McLean, Va. Fond Memories.

I admit a tear or two was shed as I pieced together the origami of stars in the pitch black winter sky last night. I was giving a narrative as we continued east. Smart then recalled a meteor shower he saw from the cabin of a plane, cruising at 30,000 feet, as a young child. I could hear the emotion in his voice. The tone and inflection in which he told his story conveyed the wonderment, the awe he felt that night 38 years ago. We didn’t speak much after that as I finally drifted off to sleep and he continued to guide us safely home.

Spring Showers

Why do we let others do unto us as they wish? Don’t we ultimately have the power to control the situation? I think it depends on how sound the rationale or bedrock is. If a legitimate, I will reiterate, a legitimate issue arises then by all means, have at it or me for that matter. I deserve the comeuppance I get. No argument here. I will be the first one to apologize and ask forgiveness. There’s no shame in admitting you’ve fucked up.

But what about the non existent bedrock? Or the faulty foundation that was created in someone’s mind, not necessarily in a calculated way but created as a result of anger and frustration. Not that it has anything to do with you specifically but invariably is centered around you as if you masterminded, crafted and wished all of these misfortunes on them. The actual misfortune is that you were present at the wrong time and the wrong place.

Once swept up in the whirlwind of the blame game it’s difficult to recant without feeling well, silly, I imagine. How does one extract themselves from either side of the playing field with grace and dignity? Or can they?

It all depends on the actual foundation between the two people. Is it strong enough to weather whatever storm batters it? Little squalls and huge cyclones. That’s what it boils down to. Will they blow over or continue to rip apart what was once strong and steadfast?

Time will tell.

Writing For One’s Self

I’ll keep this short and sweet. From now on I write only for myself. Never again as a communication “tool” nor a platform for exalting others. It clearly falls on deaf ears.

I’ve been giving my content some serious thought. I need to adopt a new strategy. As of this moment, I’m not sure what that will be.

I enjoy writing about sexual experiences, but that’s not the only facet of my life that I wish to share. It seems, I guess a mere representation that appears one dimensional. My life is anything but one dimensional.

Turning the page…..

Johnson County Drivers #%!@?!

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JO CO KS drivers suck! Get their license via a Cracker Jack box or Willy Wonka Bar “Heeey Clootus! I got the Golden Ticket!” Ricky Booby this isn’t NASCAR, quit drafting behind me and slingshotting around you stupid Gomer!!!!!

551 down 191 to go

Yes, only 75% of the way through this trip. Hallelujah thank baby Jesus! so I calculated my average speed to be around 66 mph without a calculator my view. The last leg of this trip is really slowed us down rain and near freezing temperatures.

I’m on a careful cocktail of five hour energy drinks, 2 so far. My regular dose of Adderall. gotta love prescription stimulants. Sugar-free red bull and one half of a Krispy Kreme raspberry jelly doughnut.

I’d say my chances are pretty good for completing this journey. Don’t judge!

The Art of Being Ignored

I like to feel included, feel as if I am a part of the group or gang… I believe it’s crucial to one’s overall human experience. I get a little stressed out when I’m excluded whether it be a lunch invite, continually receiving declined meeting notices or simply no response at all. I will be so bold as to use the word…shunned. The connotation of the word is far worse than being ignored. Seems harsher. Perhaps because of the religious association. Not sure though.
I am certain most of us can recall a time when we have either been the victim or the perpertrator of said act. I think I’ll quit doing that now. The instance most recently that comes to mind is when I ignored a homeless guy, panhandling on the street near my office. I do it almost daily. Mainly, because I don’t carry cash. Secondarily, because looking at them makes me sad. So, up goes the “great wall of indifference” and with it the paper thin belief of, “if I don’t see it, it does not exist”. Yes, paper thin reasoning indeed. In the wake of my indifference thus shunning of these individuals, I wonder what they feel. Are they so used to it, it simply does not phase them? Or do they lie awake at night pondering all of the accumulated shunning of the day and silently plot their revenge?
In my case, I wonder why I’m not included at work more often. I certainly bring a certain amount of value to the organization. My skill set is completely different but complimentary to that of my peers. I simply don’t get it. I’ve spent a substantial amount of time trying to figure this out. What did I do to warrant being ignored or worse, rejected? I guess the most obvious route to a direct answer would be to ask the individuals I feel to be responsible. Nahhhh…… That could get overly complicated. The last thing I want to do is to acknowlege it. Or in super simplistic terms… I don’t want them to know that I know that they know it’s a thorn in my side. (yes, a lame attempt at subtle humor)
I have two options. I could indeed “bite the bullet” and have the revealing, painful conversation with a colleague. I could get closure and bring attention to a situation they may not be otherwise aware of. Or………Hold my head up high and move on. I think I’ll take the latter approach. It may not be the most “mentally healthy” or cathartic choice, however, I think it may be the most intelligent of the two. I’m all for cathartic experiences… I was in “Antigone” for Christ’s sake. I have seen first hand how it can work but how it can also lead to the proverbial vultures picking your eyeballs out of your skull while the carcass of your emotion lies bare, withered and exposed on the battlefield of interoffice politics. No thank you.
Yes, I think I will hold my head of high while the vultures find someone else to feast on today.

I Love…. I Hate….

I Love feeling the raw, sexual prowess I possess
I hate it when I find ketchup in my hair
I love stretching out in our bed and the gentle trace of finger tips along my hip
I hate being pushed out of our bed by our 15# dog
I love sunshine
I hate cracked tanning beds that leave tan tattoos
I love a grilled cheese
I hate that I smell like it when I cook one
I love being on time
I hate that I never am
I love being able to take people at their word
I hate that it’s rarely the case when I can
I love a clean home
I hate cleaning
I love strong women
I hate that some are truly weak
I love making new friends
I hate cyber bullies
I love M&M’s
I hate having to brush my teeth again after eating them at bed time
I love how comfortable I am with my self
I hate the fact I am 40 something
I love my boobs
I hate the soles of my feet
I love being loved
I hate not being taken seriously